I had a bad week. So I started to write about it.

Before I started writing, I looked for keyboards to buy. I know that if I bought one, I wouldn't use it. But whenever something becomes hard, I want to start doing something else entirely. Or do more of whatever didn't work before. I want to be somebody else, somebody who has everything figured out and feels great all the time. I don't think there's anyone like this. I'm just tired. Can't my mind just stop racing for a minute?

I want to do so many things. Develop video games, write a novel, try stand-up comedy and Poetry Slam, and make Youtube videos. I want to work at everything, all at once. I want to learn to play the piano, and I want to travel the world with only a backpack. I know that I can't do both at the same time. Committing to a single thing is meant to liberate. I just feel drained by it.

I want to be successful with my art. I don't even know what my art is. I need to find a niche, says every marketing advice I ever read or watched on Youtube, trying to silence my thoughts. But all I want to do is anything I want to try. I don't know how to pick a niche, when everything I see is so fucking interesting.

I want to be famous. Attention is a drug, and I hope indulging in it will make me happy. I know it wont. I hate being in the centre of attention. The few times I stood on a stage in School, I hated it. I hated every presentation I ever did. That's one reason I'm drawn to it. If it scares you, go do it. Put so much pressure on you until the dirty piece of coal you see yourself as turns into a diamond, and beat yourself up even more to cut it into a gem you like. And for what? The whole diamond trade is a scam. Once you bought a jewel for an abhorrent amount of money, you'll never be able to sell it again.

I want to be useful. Entertainment isn't useful. And there's so much wrong in our world. Our whole economy is built around spying on people to get them to buy your stuff. Nihilist companies that are pushing the agenda they think makes them the most money. Peace time careerists in every political institution, focused on filling their own pockets instead of doing their job. Maybe I'm wrong about them, and they're just incompetent. But what does it say about our world if the best case scenario is that the worlds most powerful people are so incompetent I wouldn't trust them to brew me a coffee. And instead of doing something about it, the most common response is apathy. "There's nothing I can do" is a lazy excuse, and playing the victim. But I also don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if the world is as fucked as it seems. Maybe it's just me who is fucked up, externalising a bad mood onto everything else.

Don't we all just want to be happy? We're social animals. I'm wishing for creative accomplishment, but maybe all I need to do is to fulfil my evolutionary purpose by settling down, getting married and having children. What's so wrong about the Brave New World if everybody in it is happy? It isn't exploitation, if you consent to it.

In all this, I'm reminded of a story. In it, a human wakes up after his death and is told that he can decide what he wants to be in his next life. He had had a hard life and wants to relax for a while. So, for his next lifetime, he chooses to be a horse. But as his transformation begins it dawns on him that a horse doesn't understand what it means to be human. He'll never be a human again. And in the last moments of his humanity he is left pondering about what wonderful and interesting being he had been that decided it wanted to have the simple life of a human.

I don't want to be a horse. But couldn't life just be a bit more simple?