One thing I don't want to write about

In my post from yesterday I mentioned that there are some topics I don't want to write about. Here is one of them. I never had a girlfriend. I never had sex. I never even kissed someone. Well, the last one is not quite true. When I was five or six, I had a close friend that I remember kissing once or twice. We were convinced that we'll marry one day. This changed when my family moved to another state and I didn't see her for a long time. In any case, I wouldn't count this as experience.

I don't think this is driven by a fear of trusting someone and being hurt. I'm just super introverted, and meeting people, while fun, takes a lot of energy. I'm very comfortable being alone, and much more interested in intellectual stimulation than smalltalk. So I don't spend much time meeting new people and tend to use my time to write, develop computer games or to learn about a new language. I'm not socially anxious. But I'm not good with people and very self-aware about it. Living through a pandemic doesn't make it easier to practice these things. More than anything, it's a convenient excuse to not do anything about it.

Another aspect of this is that I don't really care about sex. Yes, there are moments when my biology signals me I should spend more time trying to mate. Pornography is an effective tool to repress these feelings. Whenever I think of sex outside of these moments it grosses me out more than anything. But I also find it awkward to hug people (though this was a lot worse when I was younger). Then again, the few people I hug from my own accord, I care about and share a bond with. Extrapolating from this, being in a relationship in which sex becomes something comfortable seems like a valuable thing to be part of.

I hate to talk about this topic. Because I fear that someone will say "Nah, you're overthinking things and are just afraid to fuck people." The annoying thing about it is that I don't have a response to it. Because it might very well be true.